When I focus on how much time I’ve lost to suffering with depression and anxiety throughout my life, I get angry and profoundly sad. From there I switch to feeling grateful that I’m doing better, but no matter what, I always come to the same conclusion: ruminating over the past is detrimental to my wellbeing. It does not help me in any way. Yet, I still do it, especially at times when I’m not feeling well physically, like now.
I’d always planned on making up for all the great adventures, big and small, that I missed out on because I was too depressed to face the world for so long. Therefore, it’s extremely frustrating that now, when I’m feeling pretty good mentally, I’m stuck at home, grappling with close to unbearable pain in my neck and right arm. The discomfort has become so severe lately that I’m unable to sleep – not a good thing for me, since insomnia is one of my main triggers for depression.
Until now, I’ve been successful at not letting “it” get to me. But after another sleepless night, filled with invisible knives stabbing and twisting inside of me, I’m feeling vulnerably wide open to an uninvited bout of depression. It’s times like these that all of the tools I’ve collected and worked so hard to use properly become useless against the mighty powers of the body and mind.
I don’t want to look at any time in my past or present as being lost or wasted due to depression or a physical ailment. In addition, the future is not my enemy, negative projections are.
One lesson I’ve learned is that perspective can turn negative experiences into positive ones, most of the time. From that standpoint, I’ll consider this day as one not lost to pain and anxiety, but as an opportunity to share my struggles with the hopes of helping others to heal.